Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Hiding from Love

I used to never understand the concept of hiding from God. When I was younger, I used to laugh at it and think, "Silly people, who do you think you are hiding from the one who sees your every move?" 

Well, wasn't I presumptuous.

I cowered under my pillow, my blankets pulled up to my chin. Earbuds were jabbed into each of my ear as I buried my face into another pillow. Clutching my phone connected to the earbuds, I let the music blast as I felt hot tears leak down my cheeks.  I was angry, I was hurt, I felt lost. Total confusion ran through my soul, as I used the music to drown out my thoughts. I was so lost, I didn't want to be found. I had fled, fled from God. I didn't want to talk with Him. I was hurt. I thought, that perhaps if I ignored my thoughts, the voices screaming inside, the words I knew in my heart, I could some how escape from the pain. 

Even in those nights that I sobbed my heart out in my pillow, drowning my thoughts in music blasting through my earbuds, God was still with me. As I shut my eyes and clenched my jaw in frustration, He still had his tender hand on my shoulder. When I avoided Him, He stood by me ready to catch me in my failures. As I felt the overwhelming sense of loneliness, He held me close in His arms, rocking me to sleep those painful nights. 

We can hide, we can ignore, but He is still with us. The truth is, when I ran, I want to be found. I was ashamed of myself. How can I commune with a Holy and perfect God, when I am so messed up? I was embarrassed by my hurts and faults. What I failed to remember is that, He is there. He is with me always. He sees the pain, He understand my faults, He is still with us.

Then this time of the year rolls around. Everyone is so giddy and excited, some how everyone seems to say Christ's name with ease, and fail to really know who He is. While others know it quiet well, and give Him the glory, praising Him. Then there are those, who come to grips with the fact that they have been hiding. Those, like me. 

Timidly, we come before God, shuffling our feet as we don't dare to look up. Shame burns out cheeks as we once again recall Christ's love story to us. His amazing gift of becoming fully God, yet fully man. Tears trickle down our cheeks as we realize who we have been running from. The love and healing we have so longed for all these months, has been holding us all along, waiting for us to realize it. 

Thank you, my Savior Jesus, for staying by my side, pouring your saving love over me, in my darkest moments. 


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